Rori Picker Neiss

By Cindy Mindell ~

Unlike Conservative and Reform congregations, in most traditional Orthodox communities women do not read from the Torah during services. As a result, the Orthodox bat mitzvah ceremony has become a creative undertaking, evolving over the last 30 years.
“Although bat mitzvahs have become fairly mainstream within Orthodox circles, there is a wide spectrum with regards to how bat mitzvahs are defined and celebrated,” says Rori Picker Neiss, a student at Yeshivat Maharat in Riverdale, N.Y., and an intern at Beit Chaverim Synagogue of Westport/Norwalk. “Like bar mitzvah, bat mitzvah is seen as a milestone, a point at which the individual has reached adulthood, is responsible for his or her actions, is obligated in mitzvot, and is a full, participating member of the Jewish community. In the Orthodox community, though, what it means for a woman to participate in the Jewish community may be different than for a man.”
Reading from the Torah is a relatively new rite for young Jews coming of age, even boys, says Rabbi Elly Krimsky of Young Israel of Stamford. “In Eastern Europe a century ago, and presumably even earlier, it was rare that a bar-mitzvah boy read from the Torah,” he says. “If he did, he read the ending portion – the maftir – received an aliyah, and chanted his haftarah. Today, we find b’nai mitzvah reading the entire portion and in some cases, even leading the prayers. What is most important is not for the bar mitzvah boy to read the Torah per se, but to learn how to read, so he can continue to participate as an active adult member of the community.”
Until fairly recently, a bar mitzvah in the Orthodox community consisted simply of the boy being called up to the Torah in shul, which wasn’t applicable to girls, says Sarah Cheses, a Yoetzet Halacha – trained women’s halachic advisor – currently working at the Heshe & Harriet Seif Jewish Learning Initiative on Campus at Yale University. “Then boys started having parties as well, and it seemed unbalanced for boys to have parties and for girls to do nothing. Now it has become the practice in many Orthodox communities to celebrate the bat mitzvah just as much as the bar mitzvah, but there are still many Orthodox communities who do not celebrate them today. In some communities, some families will celebrate a bat mitzvah, while others will not. In that way, there is no clear practice on if or how to celebrate a bat mitzvah.”
At Beit Chaverim Synagogue, “most b’not mitzvah choose to prepare a text to chant before the entire congregation, often one that has special relevance to women,” says Rabbi Yossi Pollak. The service is led by men, but the bat mitzvah prepares a d’var Torah; some b’not mitzvah participate in a women’s Torah reading at the synagogue.
“Since my tenure at Beit Chaverim began, no girl has had her bat mitzvah on a Shabbat, though some have done so on Saturday night,” Pollak says. “This is not by design or prohibition, but rather has been their choice,” as a party can commence immediately after services.
“For me, the discrepancy between my bat mitzvah and a bar mitzvah was all the more poignant because I have a twin brother,” says Neiss. “Our celebrations were a year apart – mine when I was 12 and his when he was 13 – but they might as well have been worlds apart. My family coordinated a separate prayer service just for his bar mitzvah where male family and friends all led and my twin read from the Torah. There was a large kiddush afterward as well as a luncheon for select guests. This was separate from the party that he had for family and friends, which was significantly larger than my own. I remember getting my hair and makeup done for his party, which was something I did not do for my own.”
Krimsky says that, for him, “the ultimate sign of adulthood for both young men and young women is a d’var Torah in their own words, expressing their solidarity, commitment and identity with the Jewish community. It should be a topic that moves them and one of their choosing. It should speak to their knowledge, study program, and most importantly, be a ‘pledge of allegiance’ to our people. When we wish them a ‘mazal tov,’ it’s not just on a performance, but rather, on a heartfelt statement of their Jewishness.”
“It is crucial to celebrate a bat mitzvah just as much as we celebrate a bar mitzvah, and to incorporate into the celebration rituals and traditions which are meaningful to the individual,” says Neiss. “It is important for the celebration to reflect the person who has reached the milestone. This requires a bit more creativity.”