It’s the Hebrew month of Adar.  A time when laughter is practically a commandment.  Here’s a little Jewish humor to help you get in the hilarious spirit of Purim.

Of mice & menschen
Three rabbis were talking over a regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together. Rabbi Ginsberg says, “Oy! We have such a problem with mice at our shul. The gabbai set out all kinds of baited traps but they keep coming back. Do either of you learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin?”
The second rabbi, Rabbi Cohen replied, “We have the same problem at our synagogue, we’ve spent all kinds of money on exterminators but the problem still persists. Any suggestions?”
The third rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg, looked at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen and said: “Rabbis, we had the same problem with mice at our synagogue, we tried traps, exterminators, even prayers; nothing worked. Then we had a brilliant idea. When Shabbat came around, I went to the synagogue about an hour before services started. I brought a big wheel of yellow cheese and placed it in the center of the bima. Well, soon a dozen mice appeared on the bima and headed for the cheese. While they were feasting on the cheese I bar-mitzvahed all of them.
And I never saw them in shul again!”

Table Talk
A Jewish couple won $20 million in the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to their home in the U.S. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four becaue they had invited the Cohens to brunch. They then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. “Why eight?” they asked the butler, since they specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, “The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Bialys.”

“Where did I go wrong?”
A man is having a problem with his son and goes to see his rabbi. “I sent him to Hebrew School and gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah,” says the man, “and now he tells me he’s decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
“Funny you should come to me,” said the rabbi. “I also brought my boy up in the faith and gave him a fancy bar mitzvah. Then one day he, too, tells me he’s decided to become a Christian.”
“So what did you do?” asked the man.
“I turned to God for the answer” replied the Rabbi.
“And what did he say?” pressed the man.
“God said, ‘Funny you should come to me…“

A White House Purim
The first Jewish president of the United States has been inaugurated, and the first Jewish holiday that follows is Purim. So he calls up his mother to invite her to the White House for the holiday.
“Mom, I want you to celebrate Purim with us at the White House.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’ll have to get to the airport and…”
“Mom! I’m the President of the United States! I’ll send a limo for you to take you right to the airport!”
“But when I get to the airport, I’ll have to stand on line to buy a ticket and check my baggage. Oy, it will be so difficult for me.”
“Mom, I’m the most powerful person in the world. I’ll send Air Force One for you!!”
“But when I get to Washington, I’ll have to find a cab and…”
“Mom, please! I’ll have a helicopter waiting for you. It will bring you right to the White House lawn!!!”
“But where will I stay? Can I get a hotel room?”
“Mom, we have this whole big White House. There will be plenty of room. Please join us for Purim.”
“Ok, I’ll be there.”
Two seconds later, she calls her friend:
“Hello, Sadie? Guess what? I’m spending Purim at my son’s house!”
“Oh, the doctor?”
“No, the other one.”

Spiritual Advice
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody—it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the rabbi said, “Here’s what I want you to do: Put a folding chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.”
A year later the businessman went back to the rabbi, bringing his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The rabbi, recognizing the benefactor, was curious. “You did as I suggested?” he asked.
“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.
“You went to the beach?”
“Absolutely.”
“You sat in a chair with the Bible in your lap?”
“Absolutely.”
“You let the pages riffle until they stopped?”
“Absolutely.”
“And what were the first words you saw?”
“Chapter 11.”

Putting the Squeeze On
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people had tried to do this over time — weight lifters, longshoremen, wrestlers, etc.—but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and dressed in a polyester suit came in and said in a high, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “Okay,” grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd’s laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “How did you do that? You lift weights, or what?” The man replied, “I’m a fund raiser for the United Jewish Appeal.”

A Russian Winter
It’s winter in Russia and the people are hungry. The town council announces that meat will be arriving so everyone gets on line to wait for the meat. After an hour of waiting in the snow and the freezing cold, the town council announces that there will be less meat coming then expected, all Jews go home. So, all the Jews leave the line. Another hour goes by and, again, the town council announces there will be less than expected food arriving, all non-communists go home. All the non-communists leave the line. Another hour, and the town council announces there will be no food arriving, everybody go home. As one man trudges home through the snow, he turns to his friend and says “you see, the Jews always get to go home first!”

The Census
The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute — didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”

How many…?
How many Zionists does it take to replace a light bulb?
Four—one to stay home and convince others to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in, and  a fourth to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.

Showing Up Late
Bernstein walks into work one day at nine. He is very late The boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30?”

PURIM FUN AROUND CONNECTICUT!
If you are looking for some pull-out-all-the-stops Purim fun in Connecticut…look here.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23
Cheshire — Megillah reading, skits, costumes, hamentashen and more; 7 p.m.; Kol Ami,  heathergottlieb3@yahoo.com

Meriden — Reading of Megillat Esther; prizes for best costumes; refreshments; 6:30 p.m.Temple B’nai Abraham, 127 East Main St., (203) 235-2581.

Westport – Purim Festivities and Fun; Purim shpiel by Rabbi Greg Schindler featuring synagogue youth, with megillah reading before and after; hamentashen and ice cream; 7:45 p.m.; Beit Chaverim Synagogue, 85 Post Rd. West, (203) 227-3333.

West Hartford – “Saturday Night in Black and White,” megillah reading at 7 pm., followed by a dairy dinner and gala with DJ, dancing, bounce houses, video games, costume prizes and more; Beth David Synagogue, 20 Dover Rd., (860) 236-1241, www.bethdavidwh.org

West Hartford – “The ‘Ganza’ Megilla and karaoke,” Purim celebration; reading of the megilla; hamantashen; refreshments; 7:30 p.m.; Beth El Temple; 2626 Albany Ave., (860) 233-9696

Westport — “Prohibition Purim: Roaring 1920’s Party”; cocktail and networking party with light dinner, drinks, megillah reading, live jazz band, entertainment, door prizes; costumes encouraged;  hosted by Young Jewish Professionals Network CT;  at t17 April Dr., (203) 635-4118, (203) 354-3090, youngjewishp@gmail.com; $27

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24
Cheshire — Purim Carnival; games, costumes, lunch; hosted by Temple Beth David and Congregation Kol Ami, 11 a.m. – 1 p.m.; mathfamily@sbcglobal.net, heathergottlieb2@yahoo.com. Lunch: $3 per person at the door.  Carnival tickets available for purchase at the door

Fairfield — “Purim at the Stadium,” a sports themed feast with All-American buffet dinner with halftime show staring Cardone the ultimate vaudeville magician, professional mascots, special presentation honoring Jewish American athletes; dress for your favorite team; megillah reading (bring thundersticks and rally-towels or other nosiemakers); 4:30 p.m.; Chabad of Fairfield, 1571 Stratfield Rd., (203) 373-1118. $18 adults/$12 children. Reservations suggested.

Fairfield — Purim Carnival; games, mask-making, inflatable obstacle course, entertainment, food; 11 a.m. – 1 p.m.; Congregation Beth El, 1200 Fairfield Woods Rd., (203) 374-5544. $12 children/$25 family

Newington – Purim Service, 10:30 a.m., followed by Purim Carnival; Temple Sinai, 41 West Hartford Rd., (860) 561-1055.

Norwalk — “Purim the the Palace: A Royal Celebration”; royal feast (dinner), megillah, entertainment; dress “royally” as king, queen, prince or princess; hosted by the Jewish Russian Group of CT; open to all; 4:30 p.m.; at the Schneerson Center, 40 King St., (203) 635-4118, www.schneersoncenter.org, schneersonct@optonline.net. $36 adult/$18 children under 12.

Trumbull – Purim Carnival; family fun day including games, prizes, crafts and face painting; wear a costume and get free game tickets; refreshments and lunch available; advance game ticket sale are available at a reduced cost; Congregation B’nai Torah, 5700 Main St., (203) 268-6940, bnaitorahct@sbcglobal.net.

West Hartford – “Purim in the Stadium,” featuring the amazing Blenda, former Harlem Globetrotter; games, local sports talent, arts and crafts, refreshments; fun for all ages; megillah reading at 4:30 p.m.; Purim meal at 5 p.m.; co-sponsored by bu Agudas Achim, Beth David, Chabad Hosue, HHNE, Young Israels of Hartford and West Hartford; at the Hebrew High School of New England, 300 Bloomfield Ave., (860) 232-1116, www.chabadhartford.com. $25 adults/$18 student/$12 child/$65 family

West Hartford – “Hip Hop Hamantashen Family Concert,” featuring entertainment by the Mama Doni Band;  3-4 p.m., make your own hamantashen, groggers and masks, listen to a new book The Purim Superhero; 4-5 p.m., Mama Doni Band; Mandell JCC, 335 Bloomfield Ave., (860) 236-4571. FREE members/$10 non-members

Westport – Megillah reading, 10 a.m.; talent show or Torah study, 11 a.m.; Purim Seudah (BBQ lunch) with face painting, prizes and more at 12:15 p.m. Wear a costume! Beit Chaverim Synagogue, 85 Post Rd. West, (203) 227-3333. FREE.

West Hartford – Purim Shpiel and Carnival; shpiel at 10:30 a.m., followed by carnival at 11:30 a.m.; lunch available for purchase; Beth El Temple 2626 Albany Ave.,
(860) 233-9696.

West Hartford – Early Childhood Purim Celebration! For kids ages 5 and under; wear a costume; mini-carnival; 11 a.m.; Beth El Temple, 2626 Albany Ave., (860) 233-9696.

SUNDAY, MARCH 3
Westport – Purim Celebration; music, Purim play, carnival-style games, crafts, pot-luck lunch, hamantashen baking; 11:30 a.m. – 2 p.m.; hosted by the Congregation for Humanistic Judaism at Bedford Middle School, 88 North Ave., (203)  226-5451, sundayschool@humanisticjews.org

Enjoying the ‘hidden’ taste of Purim
By Robert Gluck/JNS.org

Chocolate and white
hamataschen by chef and
television personality
Jeff Nathan.
Credit: Jeff Nathan.

Hamantaschen, three-cornered pastries representing the evil Haman’s ears, are most “timely” when consumed on Purim. But like other foods associated with the holiday, they can inspire year-round creativity in the kitchen. According to Jeff Nathan, chef-host of public television’s “New Jewish Cuisine” program, Purim’s joy is all about disguises and surprises.
“Little kids dressed in costumes, the best clothes of a beauty pageant and foods to represent the holiday,” Nathan told JNS.org. “The food is my favorite part.”
Nathan, offers “No, not a box of Cracker Jacks,” Nathan said. “Instead, I serve a Chinese style egg roll, with house smoked brisket inside. A light winter soup has quick simmered kreplach filled with pulled chicken, ginger and Asian vegetables. At home I do a savory hamantasch of grilled vegetables, olives and cheese. My favorite little sweet for the holiday is the traditional three-cornered hamantasch filled with pineapple, poppy and cherries.
Nathan said that holidays remind us of our heritage when we allow ourselves to take the time to cook the foods of our past.
“In doing so, we feed our souls and that’s why we make latkes throughout the year,” he said. “We may call them fritters or griddle pies, but they’re latkes nonetheless. Matzo brie is often a Sunday breakfast well into August, and Purim allows us the freedom to drink just one more, indulge in just another bite of something sweet and smile at why we do it. For me, I like to pull the mystery of Purim foods into my year-round cooking. The mystery of ‘what’s hidden inside,’ ‘what’s that hint of an ingredient’ is intriguing to me, and to my customers.”
Phyllis Glazer likes the humor and frivolity of Purim, and the challenge every year of creating food that encompasses the themes of “masquerading,” “foolery,” Queen Esther’s vegetarian diet, and the Persian roots of the holiday. Famous in Israel as a guru of healthy cooking, Glazer is a celebrated chef, journalist, TV personality and cookbook author. She is the author of five best-selling health-promoting cookbooks in Hebrew, a biblical cookbook published in German and Italian, and The Essential Book of Jewish Festival Cooking, written with her sister Rabbi Miriyam Glazer. Asked about new ways to make Purim favorites such as hamantaschen, kalischbrod, and poppy seed treats, Glazer focused on health.
“We are all very health conscious these days, and I think that Purim favorites should reflect that, but without going overboard, like substituting whole wheat pastry flour for anywhere from 1/4 to 1/2 the white flour when making hamantaschen or traditional challot,” Glazer told JNS.org. “There’s a Moroccan version that is sweet and contains anise seeds, not only kalishchbrod. Poppy seeds don’t only have to appear in hamentaschen. I use them in a salad of avocado, banana and persimmon with a sweet and sour poppy seed vinaigrette, or in vegetable curries.”
A special Purim challah, known in Russian as keylitch, is sometimes made. This challah is oversized and extensively braided. The braids on the challah are intended to remind people of the rope used to hang Haman.
Glazer said another little-known culinary custom she enjoys is “Haman’s shoes,” derived from Greece/Soloniki. There are other Sephardic versions as well, she noted, of the challah-dough shaped into shoes with an egg on top held in place by “laces” of dough.
Another Purim fun food favorite of Glazer’s is “sushi” made with fruit leather and stuffed with cream cheese and pistachios, or chocolate cakes that contain “hidden” ingredients like beets or zucchini. Glazer agreed with Nathan that people should be able to enjoy the foods of Purim all year long. “By creating healthy vegetarian dishes for Purim, we can use them the year round, and make a major contribution to the American diet,” she said.